Even when I lose, I'm winning.

I've been loving this John Legend song lately...

So many parts of the song have been ringing true for me.
{Sorry that the video is a little risque}

"I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright".
This is one is more of a joke....just referring to Preston and his still present dizzy spells.
I just hope one day he is "alright".  He will be.

But on a more serious note, a few weeks ago I woke up, like I always do
and decided to take a pregnancy test, like I rarely do.
Remember how I never have periods? TMI!
Remember how I've done fertility treatments with all 3 of my children?  Well, I have.


I took one and this happened.
And I freaked. out. big. time.

I'm done having children.  Truly done.
I'm happy with 3.
I have 3 healthy kids.
They are all sleeping through the  night and potty trained.
I have a husband with a horrible back and constant vertigo.
So let's make that 4 kids. ;)

I cried. And cried.  Couldn't breathe. 
How in the world did this happen?
I yelled for Preston (good thing it was a Saturday).
He came and I showed him and said,
"I know I'm horrible, but I don't want THIS!"
Then in came Henry, asking why I was crying.
Preston escorted him out with a hug and I proceeded with my freak out session.
I kept thinking I was going to wake up from a dream (nightmare!?).
I know what some of you may be thinking...a pregnancy isn't the worst thing in the world.
And in most cases people are ecstatic about it.
Well, I was done.
I fought that "I want to be pregnant" battle for 8 years!
It took us 3 years to get Henry and then we did fertility treatments for the other 2 after that.
So believe me, I'm so grateful that my body grows babies and that I have 3 of my own.
But that doesn't change the fact or the feeling that I don't want any more.
I gave away all the remaining baby gear just 1 week prior to this new finding.  ONE WEEK!
AND, if I'm being totally honest I have changed quite a bit in the years since having Stella.
First, I'm 35- advanced maternal age!
Second, I've had mild anxiety my whole life, but it peaked a little over a year ago
and I'm just thinking that anxiety (that includes feeling claustrophobic) and pregnancy don't mix.
I know that anxiety and getting a surprise positive pregnancy test don't mix. I'm living proof.
A friend even said, "I'm not sure how you aren't freaking out." Well, I was.  It's just hard to freak out in public as a 35 year old woman.  Might look a little ridiculous.  

Anyways, back to the day I got the positive...I stopped crying, took a shower and put on my big girl panties.
There wasn't much I could do about this right now.
I had a girl's 4th birthday party to throw that very day!
Wait a minute....a 4 year old!?
It hit me....I had made a deal with Heavenly Father years ago.
After Stella I was done having babies.  At least I thought so.
I was done trying, trying really hard, to get pregnant.
I was done putting my body through Prometrium, Metformin and high doses of Clomid.
I was done begging and fighting to have babies.
I had 3 children that included at least one boy and one girl.
I was done.
But, sometimes I didn't feel done and I didn't feel like bringing 3 little spirits into the world was enough.
Could I handle more? Yes.
Could I survive another pregnancy and birth? Well yes.  I truly loved being pregnant each time and had very few complaints.  And, the day my babies were born are some of the best days of my life.
But, did I want more? No.
So, I prayed and told Heavenly Father that I wouldn't do anything for birth control for 4 years,
and if he wanted us to have another baby than he could perform a miracle.
Well, the day before Stella turned 4 I found out that this miracle had happened.
The day before!  Really?!  Wow.
Nothing like waiting until the final hour.  :)

Anyways, I'm dragging you along on a really long story,
but this is my journal, so long it shall be. And TMI.

The next few weeks turned out to be an emotional roller coaster.
I didn't want to be pregnant (are you understanding that yet?).
But, I was.
And I do love a cute, snuggly baby. And naming them is really fun.
Plus, Stella begs for a REAL baby daily.  She would be so happy.  I have always felt a little sad that I didn't give her a little sister (or brother, I guess).
I told a few friends I was pregnant, but I made it really awkward by telling them I wasn't excited about it and was really worried my anxiety would hit the roof.
Plus, I was waking up in the middle of the night in a puddle of sweat and worrying about having a baby with physical problems.  Afterall, I would be 36 when I delivered....and your chances jump after 35.
And, I was anxious and this was unexpected.  And, I have complete control over my life, right? I'm sort of a control freak.

So, I started to think this might be real.  Me being pregnant and all.
I went to my midwife and she confirmed with ultrasound that I was indeed pregnant.
She wanted me to come back a week later to check for a heartbeat.
I started to get used to the idea.....but wasn't excited about it.
Except when Stella would beg, "Please can we have another baby!?"
I could imagine her being the best big sister ever.
I did spend one evening researching strollers since I would have to buy everything all over again.
Preston and I did have one conversation about names- I was hoping for an Alice or a William.
I was praying hard....praying that I could have a better attitude and that everything would be okay with me and the baby if this were meant to me.
One day I did my old standby of praying to Heavenly Father and just flipping open my scriptures in hope of finding an answer or some inspiration.
They fell open to this...

1 Nephi 21:5

5 And now, saith the Lord—that formed me from the womb  that I should be his servant, to bring Jacob again to him—though Israel be not gathered, yet shall I be glorious in the eyes of the Lord, and my God shall be my strength.

I cried.  It was an answer to my prayer.  I felt the sweet spirit of peace.  My mind and body were calm.  I didn't know exactly what would happen but I got a clear message that I was glorious in the eyes of the Lord and most importantly that God would be my strength.

I was coming to terms with the fact that I was pregnant and all would be well.

And a few days later I started bleeding.
I went to my follow-up appointment with my midwife and told her I thought I was miscarrying.
She confirmed through ultrasound that I was.
I was so, so relieved.  Really.
I knew I had the strength of God to get through pregnancy, childbirth and raising another baby,
but I also knew this was His will.
And I was happy about that.
I had given up my control to His will and maybe that's all this was about.
I'm not in control and never will be in control.
And, as long as I'm being lead by Heavenly Father I'm okay with that.
Would I have gloried in another chubby Pond baby?  Oh yes!
But, my eyes were opened to something I was missing.
My kids are growing up!....FAST!
We can go to the movies together and enjoy it...without crying or diaper changing.
We can go on a hike and enjoy it....everyone can walk and talk.
Preston and I can go on a date and not worry about leaving a baby at home or bringing one along.
I feel like I'm in the glory days of motherhood.  It's hard and exhausting and filled with worry and doubt,
but my kids are amazing....learning, growing and changing everyday.
A baby would have changed our dynamic, in good and bad ways, but I'm so happy with what I have RIGHT now.  I was forgetting that for awhile when this all came about.  It's been a tender mercy for me.
My perspective changed really fast, and I'm so grateful for that.

I truly am relieved and happy.
I am reminded of my many blessings and that Heavenly Father is in control.

I was driving the other day, listening to "All of Me" and singing along to...
"Even when I lose, I'm winning",
and I thought to myself I am losing this baby, but I'm winning in so many ways.

Reasons I'm winning...
- I have 3 healthy, adorable, funny kids.
- I have a faithful and hard-working husband who I love to be with.
- I have a testimony of the Gospel and a desire to do and be better every day.
- I won't be changing diapers in 7 months. ;)

I'm totally winning.

{I hope this post wasn't offensive or TMI for anyone- do people still read blogs?  I just needed to write down my thoughts and feelings so that I wouldn't forget them over the years. Thanks for reading and forgiving me of my bad attitude and insensitive thoughts.}


pamela said...

read it all, every word. loved it, love you!!

Keely said...

Well said. That is what I love about blogs, it is a journal of a peak into the heart of people.

allie said...

You are awesome and brave, I love your honesty!!!!

Megan said...

I completely understand your feelings of elation and relief. It is SO nice to be able to go places with the kids who can all walk and talk and you don't have to be back for naps or drag along snacks or a bottle or diapers or whatever! And I know what you mean about how you would have welcomed another cute Pond baby too. I sometimes have those thoughts as well. Glad you are content with the outcome. You are right, these are the glory days of motherhood!

Orange said...

Love you Jessie! Glad you are at peace :)

Kelly Halverson said...

I'm sorry for your loss.

Niederfam said...

I think this post was PERFECT. Well said. Congratulations on your "WIN" ;)